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Tour Song

This song is by Schäffer the Darklord and appears on the album Mark of the Beast (2007).

(Skit dialogue)
Coolzey: OK, take a left... here.
STD: What? Where? Here?
Coolzey: No no, in the alley - oh, that's ok. Just take a left here, and we'll circle back around.
STD: All right, man.
Coolzey: And so... shit! That's a one-way.
STD: Yeah -
Coolzey: - All right, let's take a left here -
STD: I thought you'd played here before, man!
Coolzey: Shit, that's a one-way, too.
STD: This map is drawn in crayon, Z!

*Coolzey verse:
Using topographical maps to plan out the best paths
No contracts, I hope we don't take a bath
Do a show in a church selling, merch in the apse
Living off claps, spilling beer in our laps

Put the gear in the van, put the beer in my hand
Travel across the land, putting fear in the man
Lend an ear to a fan after hours, check fam
Looking for romance in a one-night stand

Make a grand, spend a grand, my left arm gets tan
From hanging out the driver's side window of the van
Band after band after bad bland band
Coolzey is back by the devil's demand

So dance I command you, or you could just stand, too
We never really practiced a set, we just ran through
A couple of times, did the songs in my mind
Now the time has come, and it's time to unwind

For forty-five minutes you don't even have to think
Just smile, bob your head and hold on to your drink
Here, let me grab mine too "Cheers!" *clink*
Take a sip then wink

Time to take a shower when the van starts to stink
You could be Zelda, and I could be Link
Play the magic flute so that I could teleport to the heliport
STD, bring them to the brink

We gotta pack and grab a sack and get our act on the road
We're going on tour, driving in survival mode
Everyday's a hangover, every night's another show
I'm going out of my mind, but I don't want to go home

In five hours gotta drive five hundred miles
To hit our destination, not a station on the dial
Play a set and jet or maybe stay for awhile
No 9 to 5 is my kind of lifestyle

Get in the van - Get the fuck out of town
Stick to the plan - Hope we don't break down
Rock a bunch of dates across the states and how
We're going on tour - We'll be coming around

We're coming for you - And you're coming along
We're on award tour - But this isn't that song
Rock a bunch of gigs for the kids we roam
We're going out of our minds - But we don't wanna go home

*STD verse:
Who's got the keys to the van?
I gotta swap CDs with the band. Coolzey, you're the man!
I'm always losing shit when I'm doing these tours
Hey, Z, I found my keys! No wait, these are yours

What day is today? And which way are we going?
I lose track of time, I'm only living in the moment
Hours in the van can get rather maddening
But it's all a part of my rock and roll fantasy

Pass me the atlas and the Mapquest folder
We're supposed to be in Boise but the signs say "Boulder"
Bladder's about to burst, please pull over to the shoulder
Better bring it while we can, man, we're only getting older

Rolling up to the club afraid that we're late
Collect our drink tickets then we sit and we wait
And we wait and we wait it's only half past 8
How late do the bars operate in this state?

Meet the local acts, green room's in the back
And hopefully somebody will have a place to crash
All that we ask is a floor and a shower
And some power for our chargers and a party after-hours

Our sets are the same as the last ten nights
Now we're awfully polished, getting hotter water-tight
Some nights kids are laughing, dancing, clapping, rapping back at us
And after some will ask for autographs on CD packages

Last call, mill about on the street
And see if we can find a kind sweetie with lareats
Tomorrow morning really means tomorrow afternoon
We'll hit a greasy spoon, shoot the moon and resume

We do it because we love it, we don't need another reason
I'd love to tour forever, any weather, any season
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

*Coolzey freestyle:
It's like that, y'all! It's like that, y'all!
And you're out of luck if you catch a flat, y'all
My name's Cool to the Z, and my name - oh, fuck!
Wait, I had something I was gonna say about -
Oh, shit. Other shit, I was gonna say some other shit
(Pull over!)
Oh fuck, man. I can freestyle most... time

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