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Rehab Center for Fictional Characters

This song is by Bo Burnham and appears on the album Bo Burnham (2009).

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Ah, well, hello, everyone, uhm
Welcome to the Rehab Center for Fictional Characters
Uhm, all right, let's just get right to it
Who wants to start us off, how 'bout you Kris?

Uhm, all right
Hey, I'm, uh, Kris Kringle
I'm a sex addict

Hey, I'm Santa Claus
I'm the king of snow
I hate my wife because
She's a ho, ho, ho

She used to please me everyday
Then she made it clear
That Santa's only s'pose to come once a year
(Fuckin' bitch)

Now I buy whores
Rock 'n' roll
And I stuff their stockings
With my north pole

Okay, Kris. Thank you
All right, who's up next?
Patrick, frowny face, get up here

All right, I'm, uh, Patrick O'Riley
I'm a leprechaun, are you all doing good?
Yeah, I'm not doing so good

I had a wonderful life
With a healthy household
And a beautiful wife
And a pot full of gold (Ha!)

Then my wife spent my riches
All by herself
And since women are bitches
Blew a Keebler elf (Hm!)

Now I drink all day
And a part of me dies
Cause my wife's gettin' gangbanged
By the Rice Krispie guys

"Hey, I know them"
Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up
Where were ya last week?
I had some stuff, I'm, uh, hey, I'm Tony the Tiger, uh
Fuck it, I'll just sing

Everyday I wake up
I get to work late
My boss says, "Hey, what's up?"
I say I'm grrrowing tired of this shit

The kids they laugh
'Cause I'm a sensitive cat
"Big pussy!"
I can't argue with that

If another kid
Gives me Frosted Flakes
I swear on my life
I'll eat his parents

Ok, Tone, thank you
Uhm, so that's everybody
So let's just get down to it
Uhm, oh, who are you?

Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah

I'm the Easter bunny, hey, I'm back
Used to be funny, now I'm hooked on crack
Heaps of heroin, ain't no joke
Marshmallow peeps covered in
Coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke, coke, ah, coke

Drugs for life, that's my plan
But now I have no attention spa-eeee...

Ok, I'm gonna go get him, all right?
You guys just please, play nice, all right?
I'll be back in a second, ok?

Hey, Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick
I think they got herpes from some Irish chick
Motherfucker, what are you laughing at Tony?
I don't know, it's, uh, it's funny, uhm
This is getting ridiculous
Santa, Tony, would you guys please stop?
Oh, snap... crackle and pop
'Cause they banged your wife

I'm getting out of here, this is fucking ridiculous

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